The Petty Sales Call
CAITLIN OUANO

Characters

LOGAN, 20s/40s/whatever, a kooky billionaire, over the top, flamboyant (actor has the liberty to exaggerate!)
BILLIE, 20s, earnest, enterprising, curious Season 1 Peggy Olson (Mad Men)
BUSINESS WOMAN #1, businesslike
BUSINESS WOMAN #2, businesslike
LOGAN’S INNER VOICE, meek, shy, fearful, scared, emotional


Flamboyant Business Woman

Lights up on LOGAN. A spotlight. She’s a flamboyant, power suit wearing billionaire.

LOGAN

(to audience) Hello darlings.

Lights go UP on HALF of the stage. A Meeting Room. BUSINESS WOMEN stand around her.

LOGAN

I am unimpressed by this year’s proposals. We need to innovate, not replicate. What is that we even do?

BUSINESS WOMAN #1

We…control a few companies. We bought some new ones this year.

LOGAN

Mmm yes, yes, but they’re not exciting. Dairy Queen is not going to change. It was a thing. Now it’s the norm. What’s the new norm?! The new thing?!

BUSINESS WOMAN #2

Social Media?

LOGAN

New thing.

BUSINESS WOMAN #1

Using human fecal matter as renewable energy?

LOGAN

BORING!

BUSINESS WOMAN #2

That is apparently very sustainable.

LOGAN

Sustainable is not our brand, I plan on dying at forty seven and taking our stock price with me. I’m going home. Get me new things to invest in!

LOGAN walks across the stage.

Lights up on LOGAN’s MANSION house. A hungry youngster named BILLIE is tied to a chair with a napkin in her mouth.

LOGAN

Hmm. Not my ideal dinner guest. More like an after dinner guest.

LOGAN prances over, takes the napkin out of BILLIE’s mouth. BILLIE gags, coughs. LOGAN wipes her mouth with it.

LOGAN

Do you want some cake?

BILLIE

No.

LOGAN

So, can I ask why you decided to break into my mansion? Other than the obvious reasons.

BILLIE

I have a business proposal.

LOGAN

Oh. That’s new.

BILLIE

Why — did the butler tie me to your dinner table?

Beat.

LOGAN

He got you confused with another girl. Silly him. What’s your name?

BILLIE

Billie.

BILLIE

Oh. Cute.

LOGAN walks to a buffet table to get a slice of cake. BILLIE, still tied to the chair, HOPS over to talk to her.

BILLIE

Ma’am I have a great idea for you to invest in.

LOGAN

Are you scratching the floor?

BILLIE

Yes ma’am. It’s a cool venture, they’re showing great numbers, but they could do amazing things if they had another big investor.

LOGAN

I have never heard a pitch like this.

BILLIE

Really?

LOGAN

No! I’m flamboyantly grandiose, not an idiot.

BILLIE

That makes a lot of sense.

LOGAN

What is it?

LOGAN cuts the rope off the chair. BILLIE gets up and launches into her idea of a saleswoman role.

BILLIE

You ever want to know what your cat’s thinking?

LOGAN

No.

BILLIE

What about one of your customers?

LOGAN

We know what customers think. It’s called data mining.

BILLIE

That browses preferences from Instagram. Not mental conversation.

LOGAN

You can hear—

BILLIE draws a small radio out of her pocket. Onstage, LOGAN’S INNER VOICE appears suddenly.

LOGAN

(overlap) —mental conversation.
What does that even—

LOGAN’S INNER VOICE

Is she younger than me?
Not smarter. I’m smart.

LOGAN stops speaking.

LOGAN’S INNER VOICE

What the fuck is that. That’s me. Is that me? Can she? OH no, she can’t know—

LOGAN

Turn that off! Off! Turn it off!

LOGAN’S INNER VOICE

Is she going to hate me? No no
get out get out she can’t know

BILLIE turns it off. LOGAN’S INNER VOICE goes into darkness. LOGAN is aggressive.

LOGAN

What. Was that? You fucking bottom feeder?

BILLIE

It detects small mental currents in the brain and translates them into language.

LOGAN

It was translating me wrong.

BILLIE

It’s neat right?

BILLIE turns it back on. LOGAN’S INNER VOICE reappears crying.

LOGAN

I wouldn’t call that neat.

LOGAN’S INNER VOICE

Make her leave! Make her leave.

BILLIE turns it off. LOGAN’S INNER VOICE disappears.

BILLIE

If you have one of these in your products, you can radio into people’s thoughts. Find what they want to buy. What they need. Much faster than a guessing game!

LOGAN

I don’t know how accurate that is.

Billie turns it on. LOGAN’S INNER VOICE reappears.

LOGAN’S INNER VOICE

It’s scarily accurate. So accurate!

BILLIE turns it off. LOGAN’S INNER VOICE disappears. BILLIE leaves it on the table.

BILLIE

This is a pilot. Try it out!

LOGAN

I’m…intrigued.

LOGAN turns it on. BILLIE’S INNER VOICE appears. It is silent.

LOGAN

I…can’t hear anything.

BILLIE

Oh. I have less than $500 in my bank account so the device deems me “useless.” It can’t hear me.

Upstage, a rock FLIES through a glass window. It BREAKS.

BILLIE

Oh, that’s my 8 o’clock. Goodbye!

BILLIE runs out. LOGAN gets out a whip, takes down hair. Role play commences.

LOGAN

OK, you dirty robber scum. I’m ready.

 

End of play.

 


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