Morning Snacks

Pusheen Eating a Cookie (Source: Tenor)

Source: Tenor

7 easy steps to help you snack in bed and wake up on time and live your best life.

In the morning I have Morning Snacks. They’re sort of like Regular Snacks in that they’re chocolate and bite-sized and delicious, but they’re special in that they’re only for mornings. The morning times are the snacking times. Seize those times. Carpe diem.

I started having Morning Snacks in college. It was hard for me to wake up in college, and that taught me to dislike mornings. But I really liked snacks. And I had taken Intro to Statistics, so I knew that if I added a thing I didn’t like with a thing I liked, I had a [????]% chance of liking both things. Or hating both things. I wasn’t very good at Intro to Statistics.

Basically, I knew I was onto something, I just needed to lay out some steps. By now I had also taken Intro to Psychology, so I felt like I was pretty good at behavioral conditioning. And I still liked snacks. So, I came up with a fool-proof plan to not be a lazy ass and get out of bed on time.

These steps aren’t here to judge you or make you wake up or live your best life, they’re here for snoozing and they’re here for snacking.

(It’s a lot of steps so to make it easier to remember, I added emojis.)

Here are the 7 easy steps for Morning Snacks:

  1. ? Set alarm
  2. ? Sleep
  3. ? Alarm goes off (!)
  4. ? Wake up (Don’t worry!!! Just for a minute!!!)
  5. ? Snooze alarm
  6. ? Eat an Oreo cookie
  7. ? Sleep

Cookie Monster (Source: Tenor)

Source: Tenor

I know it looks simple and that’s because it is. But there are some things in here that are clever. For example, the cycle repeats indefinitely. Sometimes I’ll snooze the alarm once. Sometimes ten or fifteen times, munching my way through a full sleeve of Oreos like a hungover insomniac Cookie Monster.

Just munch that cookie and head back to Step 2 (? sleeping again, thank God ?), and let Step 3 be your problem in like 10 minutes.

Grab an Oreo in the teeth and the world by the horns.

The point is, it’s adaptable. Don’t feel like actually waking up on time? Really craving just ten more minutes? Jonesing for one more Oreo cookie? Go for it! These steps aren’t here to judge you or make you wake up or live your best life, they’re here for snoozing and they’re here for snacking. Hold your head high and be proud and pound those cookies.

Pro tip: Be sure to chew your Oreo cookies fully before going back to sleep.

This one is a common pitfall, but like with most food, chewing is important, and like with most sleep cycles, having a non-food-filled mouth is important too. Oftentimes I slide a little too fast from Step 6 (? Oreo cookies, yum yum ?) to Step 7 (? sleeping again, praise Jesus ?), only to wake up several Oreo cookies later with a mouth full of sludge and a gross black spit trail arching from my trout mouth to the edge of the pillow. The trick is to not sleep with a partner, because they’ll judge you. And also to chew. And also, sleep on your side just in case; chewing is hard and we’re tired.

There are other pitfalls. For example, another one is that some days you’ll snooze forever and miss something important, and you’ll feel bloated because you just munched a ton of snacks. Dust yourself off. Haters gon’ hate, but you’re feeling rested and you’ve had a balanced breakfast. Grab an Oreo in the teeth and the world by the horns.

Dolores from HBO's Westworld (Source: Tenor)

Dolores Abernathy from HBO’s Westworld | Source: Tenor

Also, you’ll probably wake up disoriented and a little dizzy. You might have a sugar rush, you might have three cavities, it might all be a dream, the alarm is too far and too distant, who knows. Find your focus.

Sometimes when the alarm goes off and I’m mid-snack, I lose track of how many times I’ve done this before. Is it the 1st Oreo? Is it the 17th? And suddenly I feel like Dolores, waking up in Westworld in the exact same way for the millionth time. Except instead of facing the bucolic sunrise with a smile, I snort out some un-chewed cookie and roll my face across my cookie spittle and smash that snooze and shove more Oreo in my mouth and fall back asleep and do it again. We all have our loops. Solve your maze and you’ll find your consciousness.*

Most importantly, remember these are guidelines. Adapt these steps and make them your own, and let them grow with time. For example, when I started having Morning Snacks I would use Oreo cookies. But then later I started using Dove dark chocolates, because I was feeling decadent and I liked the inspirational notes they would write on the insides of the foil wrappers like “Hello beautiful” and “Wake the fuck up.” Later (and currently) I moved to frozen Lindt dark chocolate truffles, because I’m feeling like a fancy man and you can buy them in bulk from Amazon.

Don’t fall asleep before the snack is snacked.

Pro tip: You can buy anything from Amazon.

Also, I recently bought a coffee maker, so now I have coffee in the morning to compliment my snacks. This is great. However, this adds some extra challenge to Step 5 (? Snooze alarm ?) since the alarm is by the coffee, and the coffee is hot and my sleepy self is a klutz. Don’t spill the coffee. The risks are high but the rewards are great. Namely, an hour or so of extra sleepy minutes and a dozen snacks and really hot coffee. Reach further. Snooze that motherfucker. Don’t hit the coffee. Don’t fall asleep before the snack is snacked.

Cookie Lyon from FOX's Empire (Source Tenor)

The brand new cookie you’ll want to be | Source: Tenor

The point is, self-control is for suckers, and waking up is the worst. But snacks are great. Give my plan a try and you’ll be a brand new you in no time.

Pro tip: See your dentist often.

*Spoiler alert.



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