CAITLIN OUANO
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER
GUARD NURSE
Take a seat to the right! Wait for your name to be called.
EMILY walks in. She sits. Mask on. Waits. Waits. About a hundred people are around her. 10:00 A.M. time slot. Scrubs and needles all around.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
You, up next.
EMILY stand.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
License? (EMILY hands it over) OK so is this your second shot?
EMILY
Yep.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
OK and you’re getting Virgin America, correct?
EMILY
Yeah, they said you guys ran out of Tampax.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
We did, that was the one shot vaccine. OK, take this card and go to the tent on the right.
EMILY walks into the tent.
INJECTION GIRL
How are you?
EMILY
(rolling up sleeve) Good, thanks.
INJECTION GIRL
(puts alcohol and bandaid on) OK, so you’re going to feel a little pinch. You may have some arm soreness but typically this is the easier shot.
EMILY
Does it work?
INJECTION GIRL
It definitely works. I got mine a few months ago, last week I negotiated a raise, bought a house. I sleep better at night.
EMILY
Yeah, my friend said she walked around Brooklyn at night last week.
INJECTION GIRL
Mhmm! And nobody creeped her out or followed her home?
EMILY
No, it’s amazing.
INJECTION GIRL
It’s been a long pandemic, everyone just wants to feel safe and content and have no more anxiety about this stuff.
INJECTION GIRL stabs EMILY. Ouch.
EMILY
Ow.
INJECTION GIRL
Sorry.
EMILY
I hate this.
INJECTION GIRL
Yeah, so the pain can be hard to articulate. It’s not really something people talk about or vocalize, it’s more something you feel.
EMILY
I’m feeling it.
INJECTION GIRL
Okay. Go sit over there for 15 minutes, monitor yourself, then you can go.
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE
EMILY is sitting watching TV. Friends is on and Joey is talking.
JOEY
You know how when you’re dating someone and you don’t wanna cheat on them unless it’s with someone really hot?
EMILY begins to sweat. Flips the channel. How I Met Your Mother.
BARNEY
Let’s see how crazy blah blah girl is doing on the crazy hot scale.
BARNEY
Pulling down her pants. Yanking off my own!
BARNEY
Bimbo’s make me want to pretend to be a better man.
—pretend to be a better man.
EMILY flips the channel. Sweat is everywhere. Fever.
Virus.
EMILY
It’s too hot.
The TV characters talk next to EMILY, outside of the TV.
ROBIN
If these girls are dumb enough to fall for this crap they have it coming.
ROSS
Are you ever nice to strange women for no reason?
JOEY
No only for sex.
BARNEY
A girl’s allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot.
ROBIN
They have it coming.
ROBIN
These girls… have it coming.
EMILY dives into a bathtub for coolness and tries to stop the room from spinning.
It’s hot and everything feels like garbage. I can’t sleep because I keep waking up from the fever.Immune systemKicks in.
INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA
LUKE
SO this is where I work.
EMILY
Very nice. I’m proud of you hon—
CAFETERIA LADY
Hi! Are you the girlfriend? He’s the nicest guy—
EMILY
Oh—
CAFETERIA LADY
You are so lucky. So lucky. SO LUCKY.
EMILY
Thank you—
CAFETERIA LADY
I want my daughter to date someone like him.
EMILY
I—
CAFETERIA LADY
(to LUKE) Seriously! You’re the best guy! She’s so lucky!
WORLD
YOU’RE SO LUCKY. SO LUCKY.
SINGLE GIRLS
FLOOP IS A MAD MAN HELP US SAVE US.
LUKE
Sometimes I flirt with my students a little, it’s normal. Very normal.
LUKE
(to EMILY) Suck my dick until I cum in your mouth.
They are now at a party. With other friends. A female friend kisses LUKE.
EMILY
That made me feel weird.
LUKE
Well then you’re not an adult. She’s a friend. We’re adults.
EMILY
Um, she didn’t speak to me all night. Only when you weren’t around. And then she kissed you.
LUKE
I thought we were adults, why are you being jealous?
EMILY
I’m not jealous, I’m uncomfortable, I’m your girlfriend, and you need to respect that.
LUKE walks away. LUKE walks away.
LUKE’S FEMALE FRIENDS
Emily’s crazy and toxic.
LUKE’S FRIENDS
It’s just not working out, he needs something different.
CAFETERIA LADY
You’re so lucky! SO LUCKY! What a lucky girl! I’D KILL TO HAVE MY DAUGHTER DATE LUKE I’D FUCKING KILL FOR IT.
LUKE
I thought you were mature Emily.
LUKE’S MOM
She’s just not listening to your needs.
LUKE
Can I cum in your mouth?
CAFETERIA LADY
LUCKY GIRL!!!!
EMILY
I feel like the waiter hates me.
LUKE
Stop being so insecure.
LUKE
Can you not walk around naked, Jesus, leave a little to the imagination.
LUKE
I need you to behave at dinner.
EMILY
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
EMILY. At work.
A job.
Long ago? Today?
EMILY
Why didn’t I get that promotion?
Silence.
EMILY
Why didn’t I get that job?
Silence.
EMILY
It’d be more efficient if we—
BOSS MAN
Stop complaining.
EMILY
Hey why does Tyler get all the cool work and we get all the shit work?
Everyone sits at lunch away from you. Ahem. From Emily.
EMILY
Why do the girl interns get stuck with busy work?
Emily. The character….She’s a character. She’s fictional.
EMILY
Why is Tyler getting paid and we aren’t? Can I have some of his work?
Emily. Alone.
BOSS WOMAN
Tyler is showing more enthusiasm than you and I would reconsider the attitude you have.
DAD
Nobody wants to work with a complainer.
BOSS WOMAN
Reconsider your attitude.
BOSS MAN
Stop complaining.
BOSS WOMAN
Tyler is better than you.
MOM
Stop TALKING.
BOSS WOMAN
I like my boy workers more than you.
TYLER
Penguin is publishing my book.
GIRL
Did you hear Tyler is writing a book with Will Smith?
LUKE
Tyler rocks.
BOSS WOMAN
Tyler is a model kid. Such a nice kid.
LUKE
You suck Emily.
THE WORLD
You suck Emily.
TYLER
That Emily bitch is the worst.
GIRL
You’re so right.
EMILY on a trash lonely island.
MOM
Would you rather be loved or right, Emily?
Would you rather be loved or right?
INT. COMMUNITY CENTER
EMILY
So my first shot sucked so this one shouldn’t be as bad, right?
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Oooh no. The second one is the bad one.
EMILY
Really?
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Yeah, you had a bad reaction?
EMILY
I was sick for four days.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Oh. Did you already have internalized misogyny?
EMILY
I don’t know. I didn’t think I did.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Yeah, so if you were previously infected usually the vaccine is really hard on your immune system.
EMILY
I didn’t have it.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Hmm. I guess you just have a strong immune system.
EMILY
Maybe I had it and I was asymptomatic.
OFFICE TABLE DUDE
Most people are.
EMILY goes to the tent. Gets stabbed again.
INJECTION GIRL
You may want to take off work tomorrow.
EMILY
Seriously?
INT. EMILY’S HOUSE
EMILY is not fine and she is alone. Everything is foggy. Life is foggy. She feeds the dog.
EMILY
I’m just gonna lie down for a sec.
Face plants into the couch. Doesn’t move for 5 hours.
Blackness.
DAD
Let’s just have PEACE. Can you say one thing that isn’t VENOMOUS? Stop attacking everything I hold near and dear, any good experience I’ve had in my life with your feminist bull shit, IS NOTHING SACRED FROM YOUR TIRADE?!
LUKE
You need help. A lot of help. You are unhealthy and toxic.
BROTHER
I will go home and beat you up if you don’t stop crying. This is embarrassing.
LUKE
Wow. How mature of you.
LUKE
Can you behave yourself?
BROTHER
You’re embarrassing yourself.
MOM
Boys don’t want to be around you if you cry.
MOM
Boys don’t like that.
MOM
Your brother hit you because you were being ridiculous.
GIRLBOSS
I’m busy right now, the booooysssss are taking me to lunch. No you can’t come.
EMILY sees herself talking.
EMILY
That’s why she’s still single.
EMILY
Sorry, can’t help you. Figure it out yourself. Not my fault you can’t cut it with the boys.
EMILY
She’s a stupid beach slut.
EMILY
I hate pink.
EMILY
She should get over it, he doesn’t like her. Move on. Stop crying.
EMILY
I don’t want a girl job.
Immune system starts to kick up a storm.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
You’re worthy.
EMILY
That’s why I’m still single.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Be yourself.
EMILY
If I act cool I’ll attract someone cool. If I act cool I’ll get a good job.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Be yourself.
EMILY
I should just get over it and stop crying I’m stupid and overemotional.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Life is balance.
EMILY
I have to play the game and get ahead.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Life is balance.
EMILY
Why the fuck did he get that job and I didn’t, he can’t even read.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Balance.
EMILY
I DID ALL THE WORK.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Karma is real.
EMILY
HOW DARE YOU DATE ME FOR THREE YEARS AND ACT LIKE SHIT TO ME AT A PARTY.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
All is connected.
EMILY
(to her friends) YOU’RE TAKING HIS SIDE?! WHAT HAPPENED TO GIRL POWER?!
IMMUNE SYSTEM
All is balanced.
GIRLFRIEND
What a nice guy!
CAFETERIA LADY
So great you got to date a nice guy.
AUNT
You’re so lucky you got a nice guy.
GIRLFRIEND
He can’t treat you like that. Stand up for yourself! Don’t be a doormat!
THE FEMINIST
Do not let a man treat you badly.
THE UNSAID
If your boyfriend treats you badly you’re a moron.
THE UNSAID
You’re a dumb not-boss girl for compromising.
THE UNSAID
You are who you date.
THE UNSAID
You can’t escape.
THE UNSAID
You were stupid for trying anything.
EMILY
It’s so hot. This sucks.
Fever aches fever aches chills then fever again then fever. More fever. Everything hot hot hot.
IMMUNE SYSTEM
Karma is real.
The air deflates.
Sleep.
EMILY
I’m so lucky to have dated such a nice guy.
::::::Sounds:::::
(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(heart) beat.
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(pen to paper)
EMILY
Privilege Operates in Silence.
Some time passes.
INT. EMILY’S APARTMENT
EMILY is in a new apartment. She orders a fluffy bedspread. She hangs her clothes and opens the curtains and light floods in. She does yoga. No more fever aches and pains.
EXT. STREET
EMILY walks down the street. She walks by a herd of young leery dudes who quickly disperse as they come near her and *disappear into thin air.
EMILY gets a direct deposit paycheck for $5000. She stops. Opens her phone.
EMILY
Hi, I’m missing $1500 from this check, why is that? (listens). I need it in my bank account today or I won’t be able to work tomorrow until it’s paid. (listens. nods) You’re welcome. I’ll thank you when I’m paid.
INT. Q&A
EMILY is questioned with a bunch of writers by a bunch of people at a bunch of things.
EMILY
Writing is easy. It’s the best!
SOME DUDE
Writing is hard. It’s hard and it’s difficult. It’s long and hard. You gotta put the work in. And it’s miserable and your emotions are out and you feel vulnerable. It’s a long difficult process of a life to get good at something. Writing is no different. It’s very painful and only the best can do it. The absolute best. War and violence and chaos are around us. War and violence rule the world we’re all just violent people. But yeah I’m smart only the best people can be writers. Look at Hemingway and Melville and Fitzgerald all those great artists—
EMILY
Allow me to rephrase my answer.
It’s easy if you were born to do it.
